I Got Tonged

There are a few things in this world that should not exist. War is definitely high in the ranks. Poverty and starving babies surely make the cut. What also belongs on this list? Kangol hats. We all know that there is only one person who has permission to wear a Kangol hat, and that is Samuel L. Jackson. The man I met on yet another ill-fated Jdate, I assure you, was not Samuel L. Jackson.

    NOT MY JDATE 

I don’t really care about the anonymity of my Jdate, but to be honest, I don’t remember his name. So, we’ll call him David. We met in the parking lot of Gyu Kaku*, and during a brief moment of optimism and kindness, I decided I would overlook the Kangol hat. As evidenced by the last sentence, I’m really growing as a person. Or, I’m willing to settle. Whatever. We exchanged our awkward Jdate pleasantries and made our way into the restaurant, lucky to be seated quickly.

David was easy to talk to. Too easy. Like the type of easy where you just don’t care what the other person thinks, and not in a good way. You’re not trying. You’re not fighting for anything. You’re having a fine enough time, but you also have this type of fine enough time with a co-worker you’re not quite friends with.

Our raw food hadn’t arrived yet and I noticed David fidgeting with the tongs that the restaurant provides to cook the food with. He started trying to grab the napkin up off the table. He moved on the sugar and sweet ‘n low packages. He tried to tong the straw out of his drink. And then he tried to tong my breast. Or, more specifically, my nipple. What in Aspergers hell just happened? All that I could manage to sputter out of my mouth was “Uh….??????” All he could manage to come up with was a shrug and a smirk.

I wish I could say that I slammed my napkin on the table, said something witty and ended it with a “I said good day, sir!” But, I didn’t. I awkwardly inched back and put a stink face on for the rest of the night.

Needless to say, I didn’t return his second date proposal, sent via text (!), the following day. In the end, it was just the clichéd classic tale of girl meets boy on Jdate. Girl and boy meet at Japanese BBQ restaurant. Boy gives girl a titty twister with tongs.

*Gyu Kaku Japanese BBQ is a great dinner date. Besides the food being just delightful, the whole cooking the food yourself thing can really spark conversation and add a bit of laughter when the meat gets overcooked**.

**I just want to note that there is nothing less laughter inducing than undercooked meat. Ecoli is not funny. No one says, “Oh, I went on this great date and contracted the Ecoli virus from undercooked meat.” Never.


Carly, 32, Los Angeles