What's a sci-fi term for HELL?

As promised- Date Night Fridays starts NOW!

J and I conversed a couple years ago when I was on Jdate originally. He seemed nice and was attractive enough, but we never met and I paid no mind to it until many years later when I was on the website again searching for the perfect blend of Seth Rogen and George Clooney. While J was no combination of the two, when he reached out again I was a tad more receptive.
Things progressed as naturally as they can for a Jdate match. Jdate IM went to Gchat, which begat the telephone number. J, on paper, was completely respectable. A 34 year old who grew up in Beverly Hills, had his own place in West LA, a college graduate and worked for LAUSD. On the phone he was nice. He asked questions about me and my hobbies and didn’t do that creepy thing so many Jdate men do: push the sexy time talk. Gross.
A date and time to see each other was in place. He would meet me during my lunch hour and we would grab coffee or something to eat. I prefer a lunch date when Jdate-ing for the obvious reason which is that I would only have to suffer for an hour. It doesn’t hurt anyone’s feelings when you tell them that you have to get back to work, so put that little tip in your pocket and carry it with you!
I was pleasantly surprised when I saw him. He was true to his picture. Height was as described and he wasn’t a 50 year old man. We walked a block and settled on a cafĂ© where we could have a nosh. The conversation or connection wasn’t mind blowing. He didn’t go to camp with my best friend’s brother nor did we have a mutual love for some random, we’re the only two who would ever love this thing and now we have found each other thing, but it was just fine and pleasant. Since our time was short, we agreed to meet later for dinner.
Just as the conversation was pleasant at our first meeting, the dinner was equally fine. Could we get to know each other and fall in love?  Who knows? First/Second dates are awkward and sometimes you can’t judge those things. Dinner was a few blocks away from his home. I had parked my car there originally and instead of getting in my car and driving away, I decided to accept his invitation to “see his place”. I’m only human people. A girl has needs too! Stop judging me!
Moving forward, in the middle of our make out session, he stopped and laid on his back. He then went on to tell me about what a horrible day he had at work, that his mother was suffering from breast cancer and he had a lot on his mind. Uhh…ok? Being a person who is in tune to other people’s social cues, I offered to depart, no hard feelings. But oddly, he didn’t want that. He suggested we watch a movie, which I didn’t really want, but the man’s mother was suffering from breast cancer so who am I to be the bitch who said no to a movie offer. And then the lights went on, and I got a good look at the room. His living room was adorned with figurines. All types of figurines. Figurines in glass cases. Figurines on the entertainment system cabinet. Figurines, figurines, figurines. How did I miss this?
Seems as though J never told me about his number 1 hobby of fantasy games! Dungeons and Dragons, Magic the Gathering, something with 4000 in the title. The list went on. Also, these figurines were all HAND PAINTED! Let me repeat myself: how did I miss this???

A very long hour was sucked up with talks of fake characters and warlocks and wizards. He wanted me to play a weird Lego board game with him that had strange things like magical potions and little plastic swords. When I kindly turned down his offer and told him it was getting late, he told me to just hold on a second, to have a seat at his dining room table and that he had something to show me. While he was rummaging through papers, I quickly texted a friend to tell her that I was in Hell and needed to leave. Her response was to just get up and go, but HIS MOTHER HAS BREAST CANCER I wrote back!!!
He returned with what is only one level above my worst nightmare of having a boy play his guitar to me while singing…he brought me some of his writing to read. To be more specific, he brought me his fantasy writing to read. I skimmed the pages pretending to digest every word when in reality I was wondering how nice of a person I really was and if karma would get me for leaving this depressed man child whose mother HAS BREAST CANCER! Then he asked me to read it out loud to him. I protested and finally gave in. I wanted to cry. I don’t want to forget to mention that in this time he also microwaved a frozen pouch of vegetables and gulped down the last water he had without offering me any.
Another half hour later I escaped. I practically ran to my car.
Two days went by where I didn’t hear anything from him. I was so relived. And then the calls started to come in. And the texts. And the IM’s. And the Emails. All went unreturned until the guilt building inside of me, not to mention many friends telling me to let him know I wasn’t interested, took over. At work, over Gchat, I let him know that while he was very nice, I didn’t think we had a lot in common and I didn’t want to waste his time. His response was that he didn’t really care if we had a lot in common, that he had a really nice time and that we should move forward. I reiterated that I didn’t want to waste his time. A half hour later, my relationship with the man child who will forever be known in my mind at Dungeons and Dragons was over.
On to the next freak!

This tale of dating horror comes from Carly, 31, Los Angeles. 

If you have a dating tale to share, email me!


  1. AH-MAY-ZING!!!! Holy shit that is a nightmare.

  2. There's no way I'd have lasted that long.


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