Today I Was A Jealous Bitter Betty

Dear Ice Cube,

I have been meaning to write you for some time now, about 19 years to be exact. It was about that time when I first heard of your ‘good day’. I must admit, you had more than just a good day, it sounded pretty awesome, and I have been jealous ever since.

I've never been a morning person, so waking up and automatically thanking God seems pretty positive and I am going to have to remind myself to do this every once in a while. Maybe it would set my day off in a better direction rather than the usual scowl at Matt Lauer. Don’t even get me started about this Savannah Guthrie girl. Whoever thought putting her on the air was a good idea needs a serious career change. Maybe it’s because I enjoyed Ann Curry? Anne really earned her place and worked her way up and I have mad respect for that. Then it was just taken away from her. Typical.

Also, your mom cooked you breakfast, so hog or no hog, that’s pretty marvelous. I don’t remember the last time my mother cooked me breakfast. Come to think of it, I don’t think it ever happened. And, if it did, it was definitely not cooked. Pouring milk over cereal is not cooking. If it were, I could say I cooked dinner every night. I don’t. Glad you didn’t fill up too much. I know they say you’re supposed to eat like a king at breakfast, a prince at lunch and a pauper at dinner, but if I ate too much in the morning I would feel lethargic and sick all day long. I guess you feel the same way.

The ass of my car doesn’t drop, nor does it have a drop top, but that’s probably for the better because I don’t even use my moon roof. Or is a sun roof? What’s the difference? I also love air conditioning too much to give it up and it’s just a waste on a convertible I would imagine. Even with no smog, I’m still not putting that top down. But, I’m still jealous you have the option.

Kim booty called you? She can do it all night?  I can’t even get this Jdate dude to text me on the reg. Screw you, braggart.

I can assure you Mr. Cube that if I ran an intersection, the police would be all up in my business. And you didn’t get busted for the illegal gambling at Short Dog’s house. Once in Vegas when I was 20 the security at the Rio Hotel (Where every room is a suite!) made me stand five feet away from my mother like a child because I was underage. I had three months until I turned twenty-one and I know he was just doing his job, but come on. I tried playing craps once and actually tried to shake em up, shake em up, shake em up, shake em so much that when I finally threw them they hit the other side and then flipped off the table. Needless to say I got some dirty looks from some dirty men who were probably depending on me to get a hard eight so they could get comped at buffet. Again, I’m sure this hasn’t happened to you. No dirty looks for Ice Cube. Pound sign jealous.

So, wait a minute, you picked up a girl you’ve been trying to F since the “twelve” grade. Did you make it to the twelfth grade? Ha. I kid. I know you studied architectural drafting or something in college. But seriously, what happened to Kim? You have two girls now? Did I mention I’m still waiting for Mr. Jdate to confirm plans? I hope he doesn’t wake me up at one in the morning so you can go to Fat Burger. Speaking of Fat Burger, I went there at two in the morning once in homage to you. My friend Taymar and I got two cups of chili, drove to this kid’s house who we went to high school with and dumped the chili on his car for no reason whatsoever. Six years later he died. I still feel horrible to this day. So, now I’m jealous that you don’t feel bad about his death and since you didn’t even have to use your AK, you basically got through the day guilt free. Jelly to the max.

All in all Ice, I know I shouldn’t waste my time with irrational jealousy. I’m happy for you, I really am. I’m sure you deserve to have a good day. I’m sure I’ll have one soon enough. Maybe I’ll get a facial or something on Rosh Hashanah…start the New Year off right. Now who’s jealous of who? Whom? Whatever.

Stop the shit. What the fuck am I thinking about.