Godparents- Avengers Style

Bibbity-Bobbity-Boo Bitches!

Jews don’t really have godparents in the traditional sense. I had three godparents growing up and their roles were based on me referring to them as my godparents and them buying me awesome gifts rather them having the conventional Christian role of making sure my spiritual self was brought up in the church. I think Jewish godparents, at least for reform Ashkenazi Jews, just happen to be your parents closest peeps and they love you a little more than your parents’ other peeps.

My godparents, Marybeth, Shelley, and Barry are a perfect trifecta of awesomeness. Marybeth is my free-spirited godparent. She’s usual sans bra and told me when I was 14 that she wouldn’t ever smoke pot with me…until I turned 18 that is (fyi, this never happened). Shelley is my stylish godparent. She rocks Hermes scarves on her purses and wears Tod’s driving loafers. She’s also an artist who would buy me amazing gifts like Madame Alexander dolls and sign me up and pay for writing classes when I was in high school. She also bestowed to me her mother’s kugel recipe which garners me many an accolade to this day. My godfather, Barry, is an interior designer who taught me important life lessons like how you should refer to a couch as a sofa, odds work better than evens, and that the color red is actually a neutral.

I’ve learned many a life lesson from these valuable people in my life and I love them so much.  But, what if I had a whole crew? And, what if I could pick them? That would be awesome. The following is my list of people who I want to recruit to godparent me. Sort of like the Avengers, godparent style.  I haven’t seen that movie, but if it’s about what I presume it’s about, I think that’s a good comparison.

INA GARTEN


Could you even imagine if Ina Garten was your godparent? In my dreams, she’s taping a show and telling the tv audience that her goddaughter is coming to stay for the weekend. She’ll mention our special relationship, about how “uncle” Jeffrey is going to threaten to call the fun police on us because we always have such a fab time and then talk about what she’s going to make me that weekend. I think in my perfect Ina world, baked eggs provincial in the morning with scones, a lunch of her Sagaponack corn chowder with lobster rolls and for dinner, some amazing stew and dessert.

The camera will cut away to her preparing for my stay, mentioning that if you’re going to have guests, make sure you only invite the really special people in your life. She’ll set up a freshly laundered robe in the guest bathroom, lay out a new toothpaste and toothbrush in case I forgot mine and fluff the pillows on the guest room bed. Then she’ll wander around her garden, cut stem upon stem of her amazing hydrangeas and make an amazing bed side table arrangement.

When I walk in, on camera of course, I’ll put down my luggage so we can embrace. I’ve missed my godmother Ina. She’ll cheers me with Bellini’s made from fresh peach juice and the show will conclude with a shot of us sitting on Adirondack chairs toasting to the amazing weekend we have ahead of us.

I go to this godparent for: Cooking lessons, effortless entertaining tips and when I need a weekend in the Hamptons.

CORTNEY NOVOGRATZ

Does it get any cooler than Cortney Novogratz? In this fantasy I’m 15 years younger. Oldest Novogratz son Wolfgang and I are best friends, Bob and Cortney are like my second parents and I’m constantly over at their amazing home in the West Village. I call Cortney “Coco” because when I was little Cortney was too hard for me to pronounce. Sometimes I will come over and watch Coco sort through and pick fabrics and wallpapers and she’ll ask for my opinion.

The best times that we have together is when we wake up at the break of dawn on Sundays and drive to various flea markets in Brooklyn and little towns in Connecticut. Maybe we’ll go to Stars Hollow and pick through the goods at Mrs. Kim’s shop. Not sure if we’ll have enough time though.

Coco always encourages me to be myself and follow my instincts. As the Novogratzes say, in design, there are no rules and she has made me feel the same way about the use of my imagination and creativity.

I go to this godparent for: Funky design ideas, hugs, and when I need help getting an internship at Saatchi and Saatchi or some amazing design magazine.

Because we just can't get enough Cortney- watch her give paint color advice to BoS's own, Desiree! Who wouldn't want a godmother like this?!

KELLY CUTRONE

Kelly Cutrone scares me. Even if she was my godmother and I had known her since I was a baby, she would still scare me. I like this though. She would be my no-nonsense godmother. She’d cut through my bs’ing. I would call her whining because a boy didn’t like me and she would tell me suck it up because it’s f’ing Fashion Week!


I would stop by the offices of People’s Revolution and upon seeing me, she would take the headband I put a lot of thought into that morning off of my head, throw it on the floor and shake her head no. I would be a better person for it and I would also look better for it.

Again, Kelly wouldn’t take my crap. She’s not Ina or Cortney who would, respectably, bake me muffins or buy me an Ann Carrington piece of art to make me feel better. Kelly doesn’t have time for that. You know what she thinks would make me feel better, hours upon hours of hard work. Then, maybe if I’m really worthy, she would take me out to dinner where she would call the hot guy at another table over, tell him how amazing I am and he would hand over the digits.

Fact: The first time she uttered the phrase “If you have to cry, go outside” was to me on my 7th birthday when my cupcake fell on the kitchen floor.

I go to this godparent for: Cut-throat mentoring, fashion advice and front row seats to the Marc Jacobs show.

JONATHAN ADLER & SIMON DOONAN

In the world where Jonathan and Simon are my fairy godfathers, I spend most Sundays at their apartment in New York playing ping pong. Jonathan even had a custom ping pong paddle cozy crocheted for me with my initials on it. 

When ping pong time is done, Jonathan and I head to the pottery room where I work the wheel with grace and efficiency. Godfather Jonathan taught me how to work with clay when I was a child. We laugh when my bowl turns out lopsided, but, with a wink, he insists that it’s supposed to look like that and I feel much better. 

For Simon’s birthday every year Jonathan and I go to a special shop that creates custom fabrics. We play with different styles, designs and colors before finally settling on a design we’re both excited about and send it off to Liberty of London to have the shirt made. On a tag on the inside, there’s a secret message to my godfather telling him that I love him and always will. I can’t say the same thing for their dog, Liberace, because that dog has hated me since day one. Is he jealous of their love for me? I think so. 

I go to these godparents for: Lazy Sunday brunches, ping pong tournaments and discounts at Barneys.  

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There are many more people I could add to this fantasy list. Oprah, for one, comes to mind. But, that list is just that, fantasy. And to be honest, I’m quite pleased with the reality I have. 

Who are your fantasy godparents? 

Friend Crushin'

Friend Crush: Experiencing a strong desire to become friends with a person you don't know very well. Often times, people experiencing friend crushes will exhibit nervousness, giddiness, idolatry, admiration, and clumsiness similar to those emotions experienced when being around a regular crush.

It was the Fall of 2010. The weather was cooling down, pumpkin lattes were back at Starbucks and I was a few weeks into my new job. At the end of the day, I entered the elevator, one of six that happen to be the slowest elevators in the history of elevators. An attractive, petite lady approached the closing doors and instead of pretending to try to keep them open, as I selfishly do sometimes at the end of the day when I'm in no mood, I put the effort in to keep the doors ajar so this nice girl could ride down with me.

I scanned her with my eyes. Adorable outfit, adorable shoes, hair to die for. And her purse, a Marc by Marc Jacobs that I actually had my eye on was hanging gracefully from her forearm. I was flustered. My cheeks were washed over with a tint of red. My heart rate picked up. I mustered the courage to speak.

Me: I...eh...um...really like your bag. Marc Jacobs?
Mystery Girl: Yes, my future mother-in-law got it for me.
Me: Oh, that's a really nice future mother-in-law!
Mystery Girl: I know.

And then as soon as it had started, it was over. The elevator had reached the lobby and we parted ways. I clenched my fist in front of my face. She will be mine, I thought. She will be mine indeed.

That last part didn't really happen. I'm not psychotic, but I did have a bit of a friend crush. I was new, I knew she was new. She had cute shoes and a cute purse. I had a weird feeling we could be friends. Two years later, that petite betch is, I can openly say, one of my besties. And, if you haven't figured it out by my amazing description, that girl is Desiree. Hi Desiree!!! I'm writing on your blog!!!

Why am I telling you this story? Well, it's my introduction to my post, so pay attention. The closest I've come to becoming a lesbian was right after I saw Kissing Jessica Stein. Besides the whole sexy times part, I could totally be a lesbian, but alas, that's just called friendship. And wanting a girl to be your friend, that's called a Friend Crush. I've made my crush turn into reality, but I still have a few fantasy friend crushes that I would like to make happen. Like "The Secret" has taught us, put it out there and maybe it will come.

The following are my top 6 choices for people I have friend crushes on:

Lizzy Olsen 

I've got it pretty bad for Lizzy Olsen. So much so that at the end of seeing her newest movie, Liberal Arts, I told my date that I had a "super girl crush" on her. It was our first date. Not sure if it made me come off like a complete crazy, but the toothpaste was out of the tube...it could not be put back in.

Younger sister of MaryKate and Ashley, who I adore, but could never be friends with, Lizzy puts me at ease. Her features are soft and welcoming. Her smile is infectious. She looks super nice. She dresses cute. She is perfect friendship material.

I see me flying to various parts of the world to keep her company while she is shooting. We're not the party type, and she probably has early call times, so our evenings involve ordering room service and renting Pay-Per-View movies in the hotel. For some unexplained reason I imagine us in large, fluffy, terry cloth robes jumping on a plush 5 star hotel bed. See, we're sooooo having a good time together. Besties!  

Maude Apatow

So what if she's more than half my age and according to biology and MTV, I could be her mother. This 14 year old is pretty awesome. Granted, she comes from two awesome people and the laws of physics and organic chemistry prove that awesomeness begets awesomeness. But, I think this girl is great on her own. I follow her on Instagram and on the occasion I'm bored, will check her Twitter out, even though I don't tweet myself. 

Some awesome Maude quotes:

"Being an awkward teenager is not something you should laugh about because it isn’t funny"

"People really take pride in knowing the Fresh Prince of Bel Air theme song"

“It was really uncomfortable when I watched Beaches with my best friend and she didn’t cry”

I think we would get along really well. It's perfect that she's only 14; I don't think I've matured much since the age of 15, so we're emotionally and developmentally around the same age. I hated being a teenager, but Maude makes me romanticize those days. I want to be in carpool with her. I want to walk around Century City Mall with her after school on Fridays. I want to call her complaining about our history project. Ahh...to be young and awesome.   

Lena Dunham

When I first watched GIRLS, Lena Dunham's show on HBO, I thought it was funny, but was overcome with bitterness and jealousy, so I dubbed it "f'ing annoying". I'll repeat what I said to my friend Laura: "Who the hell is this girl in her mid-twenties to have her own show where she writes, acts, directs and produces? This is just a bunch of rich girls from famous families whining about life. Screw them, I have to go to bed so I can get to my beige cubicle on time." And then Laura said this to me: "Yeah, they are a bunch of rich girls from famous families whining about life, but that's what the show is about, so embrace that." And, I did. And then I sort of become a huge fan. 

Although the characters of the show and Lena herself are all in their early/mid twenties, I related...uncomfortably. Lena is damn funny. I think we would be funny together. I would totally sit on the toilet peeing while she took a bath while we talked about something topical. I would make a funny pop culture reference and we would laugh. Then we would go dance to some Robyn. 

I see on the Instagram that Lena and Maude are friends and go to Justin Beiber concerts together and have awesome times. I want to go to Justin Beiber concerts and have awesome times. Take me with you!!!

Also, Lena and I share the same birthday. I think this friendship is meant to be. 

Khloe Kardashian-Odom
Kourtney Kardashian

I get irrationally protective over the Kardashian krew. They make me say things that are out of my normal vernacular a lot, like "haters gonna hate" and "they're just doing them". But, in reality, they are.  If you don't like them, for heaven's sake, stop writing in the comment section of the Us Weekly iPhone app about them. You obviously clicked on the article for a reason. And if you hate them so much, don't watch. See, irrationally protective. But, I will watch, because these girls are hilarious. 

Khloe is my favorite, I think. We have the best connection personality wise. But Kourtney is what I call stealth funny. Some dub her as the 'boring' sister, but those people are just not paying attention. She's hilarious. So when you get those two together, the only thing that's possible is F-U-N. 

I could put up with Scott; I actually find him funny. And I love me some Lam Lam. So, wrap me up in a leopard blanket, put me in one of their 400 Range Rovers and let's get this friendship started. I promise to change the spelling of my name to Karly. 

Mindy Kaling

I was never an avid The Office watcher. It's nothing I'm proud to admit since one of my favorite topics is the goings on in offices, but it's just a fact. Yet, I still am in love with Mindy Kaling. It was either 2008 or 2009 when I was introduced to Mindy by way of her blog, Things I've Bought that I Loved. I loved that blog like nobody's business. Then one day, it was gone. Years later I found her again by way of her amazing book, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? I read it in one night. I know we are destined to be friends.
Now Mindy has her own show and without even watching the first episode I gave it a season pass on the ol' DVR. I trust her that much.

I feel like if we were friends I would sleep over her house a lot. We would spend late nights watching You've Got Mail and 13 Going On 30. On Sundays we'd wake up and walk to get coffee and plan our day. On our shopping excursions we would stop at super cute stores where I buy things like amazing smelling candles and cute pillows and anything else that was completely frivolous and over-priced. Then, when we get back to her place and go over what we purchased like besties do. M + C = BFF.

Who are your friend crushes??

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I wrote this post on a Thursday. It is Sunday night. This morning, while shopping at Westwood's new City Target, I saw one of these friend crushes in the flesh. I made no attempt to initiate contact because I'm neither a star gawker (lie) nor completely psychotic as previously mentioned. But, it did teach me one thing: The Secret works, y'all. That's pretty creepy, right?